Florida
Our sleigh ride begins in Christmas, Florida, a seemingly obvious place to find some southern cheer. Four lanes of US 50 divide, what would otherwise be a nondescript town on the edge of a swamp if not for its name, in half.

So this is Christmas!

Every day is Christmas in Christmas. While people in other places may be busy this time of the year hanging mistletoe, Christmas has it made in the shade. In the center of town is a year-round Christmas tree, manger and museum of holiday decor. All of the town's road signs are neatly wrapped in garland. Even the local trailer park is dressed up as a winter wonderland, accented by light up snowmen.

Of course, after the decorations have baked in the Florida sun all year, Christmas has somewhat of a faded glow about it. Also detracting from the overall holiday theme is the world's largest alligator banked on the border of the town.

Santa Cam Lake Captiva, Florida had its annual visitor again this year. Santa can be spotted on the town's beach cam. It seems as if St. Nick has given up on chimneys and taken to sliding down palm trees. Get a live look at the spectackle.

All minor details aside, Christmas is a popular place come December. Along with the crowds that fill the local post office to get their holiday greetings stamped with an official Christmas postmark, is a barrage of letters to Santa. Over 6,000 Santa letters reach Christmas each year.

33 years ago, Jack James took it upon himself to start answering all the Santa mail. He often finds cookies and other treats jammed in the envelopes from kids looking to get in good with the big guy. When the fear of anthrax set in on the country, James turned in his white gloves for a pair of rubber ones. Santa may be magical, but he is not bacterium proof.

Alabama
Jingling our bells a bit west of Christmas we come upon a cave without a Clause. DeSoto Caverns in Childersburg, Alabama takes a strict "reason for the season" approach with a Christian light show void of all the commercial holiday trappings.

Santa waves by the bear pits in Pigeon Forge, TN

The twelve story underground cave, which was once an infamous hangout for bootleggers called The Bloody Bucket, springs to life with the story of Jesus. Camels and kings blink totally out of synch to the prerecorded dialog. It is mixed with blaring hymns (vibrating the stalactites over patrons heads) and a spitting waterfall that goes off whenever a song crescendos. The festive approach is right in line with their cave brochures that apprise, "God made this one big and awesome."

A visit to DeSoto Caverns during Christmas makes one seriously consider converting to Judaism.

Georgia
From Alabama let's swing to the mountaintops of Georgia with a mouse click, click, click…

Stunning cave visuals

Ruby Falls on Lookout Mountain above Chattanooga also has an underground waterfall, but unlike DeSoto's, they are not afraid to show their hos. At the end of the light and sound presentation, there is even a chance to meet the man himself, Santa.

Ruby's 145-foot underground waterfall (named after the wife of the man who found it) is transformed into a disco inferno of strobe lights and holiday slides from November to January. Perhaps at one time impressive, most of the effects in the "Deck the Falls" show can now be purchased at Wal-Mart for less than fifty bucks. Those believing that the holiday spirit will shine through "state-of-the-art lighting and sound effects never before seen" as their literature promises, may walk away the feeling they just got a lump of coal dropped down their stockings.

"Deck the Falls" can usually be seen for a combination ticket price to neighboring Rock City's "Enchanted Garden of Lights." The latter is a much better snow job.

Tennessee
No sleigh ride through the South would be complete without a pitstop in the always-ostentatious Smoky Mountain towns of Gatlinburg and Pigeon Forge. As if sick from a years worth of taffy, fudge, corn dogs and beer ingested on its streets, the tourist magnets vomit a gut wrenching display of ornamentation and vile pageantry.

See Rock City

While similar mountain towns may see a slump in tourism during the cold season, the months of November through January show an increase in activity around Gatlinburg. Hotels in the area double their prices and the streets fill with a parade of hungry mullet tops looking for the holiday magic "Winterfest" promises. The influx gives Gatlinburg three solid months to rake in the tidings before the brides descend on their 40 wedding chapels for Valentines Day. At that time, a marriage is performed every twenty minuets. When all the "I dos" are dones, the Christmas lights come down until the following year.

"Winterfest" packs a wallop of over 2.5 million lights. While there are hundreds of run-of-the-mill strands wrapped around every pole and porch, the real attraction is the sculptures. Animals, mostly bears, averaging a height of 8-feet tall peek out from parks and vacant lots throughout the mountain valley town. Many are animated in blinking patterns to give the illusion of movement.

New and recently renovated light displays can be seen at the north entrance to the city this year. Trees and candlesticks along with a large archway create an original 3-D look for 2003. The lights came on in Gatlinburg on November 6th. Sharing their spotlight was the city's annual Chili Cookoff.

So you don't feel like you have missed one shining moment, the city provides trolley tours around the lights. The lines to hop aboard grow long and your dash through the strobes comes complete with a cutesy tour guide touting a sack of bad one-liners. Most center around infidelity.

The average price of each decorated lamppost in Gatlinburg runs at a cost of $350. The most expensive lights ring in at $70,000. It takes 35 men six weeks to set up. You learn all these fun facts on the trolley.

The festivity melts off of Gatlinburg and forms a puddle next door in Pigeon Forge. While holiday lights are in attendance, they are not in an overabundance. The most illuminating experience on the block has visitors saying, "hooray for Dollywood."

Dolly Parton markets a blend of sweet southern stereotypes and amusement park rides in "A Smokey Mountain Christmas." Her park, Dollywood, is dolled up in over 3 million lights. You can walk through them, ride through them or loop around them on one of two roller coasters decorated for the season. 30,000 feet of garland winds its way around every corner of the park.

Though you probably will not get a chance to tell Dolly what you want for Christmas, "Tinker the Talking Christmas Tree" may be able to oblige. He and other scary animated foam creations emotionally scar young children in the "Fantasy Forest" portion of the park.

Keep On Dashing
As we pull the sleigh back into the garage, seasons greetings to all and may you all find unique destinations to settle in for a long winter's tack. See you on the road!

More Tinsel Towns:
 Santa's Land
 Rock City Garden of Lights
 "Miracle on 34th Street"